She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
