um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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