my phone needs a breathalizer
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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