does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Randomize
