got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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