it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
