in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
