remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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