Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
