Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
