im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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