Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
