you're like a bully in the Christmas story
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
