On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
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I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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