Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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