Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
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