R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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