my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
