My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
