Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
