I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
