I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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