you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
