im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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