I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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