I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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