i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
