watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Randomize
