Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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