Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
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