I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
