You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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