Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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