Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
