ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
