i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
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he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
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Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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