He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Randomize
