We're like a lot better than the average bears
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
