guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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