Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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