Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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