hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize