I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
