Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
