I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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