Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
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Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
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Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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