He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
