i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
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