I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
