The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
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