He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
