the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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