did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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