You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
