keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
