i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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