mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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