There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
