took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
