He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
You ruined the universe
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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