we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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