He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
